


#transdanparty / no matter what

by orphan_account



Series: trans & queer themes [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Fluff, Gen, Genderqueer, Makeup, Oneshot, Pansexual!Phil, Support, Trans, Trans Character, Trans Dan, dan is overcome by love and support, trans!dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-10 15:52:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8923225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Dan's not quite sure how he ended up here. It probably had something to do with impulse and existential crisis, but why was he worrying about that now? His main focus should probably be on the fact that his best friend had just found him, a man, putting on her makeup (at one AM).





	

**Author's Note:**

> never *clap* enough *clap* trans *clap* fics!

It's one AM, and Louise is standing frozen in the doorway of the bathroom, her glossed lips in a perfect O. Dan is standing at the sink feeling like a deer caught in headlights, hunched over with Wet 'n' Wild Red Berry dripping down his chin, crying tears of E.L.F Black Magic.

The phrases running through his head mainly consist of words such as "fuck" and "shit," with a side of "what the hell am i doing?"

And Dan has a hard time answering that one himself. He's not quite sure how he ended up in the bathroom at one in the morning, accompanied only by the cat on Louise's makeup bag. It probably had something to do with impulse and existential crisis, but why was he worrying about that now? His main focus should probably be on the fact that his best friend had just found him, a _man_ , putting on _her_ makeup (at one AM).

She's staring at Dan, at his pale hands gripping the sink, at his tensed bony shoulders… and at his face. The crimson paint coating his lips. The faint color on his eyelids. The mascara that makes him look delicate yet dramatic. And the highlighter that shines on his cheekbones, reflecting the bathroom lights…

Words tumble out of her mouth, thick and clumsy. "D-Dan, what are you doing with my makeup?"

Dan hasn't moved from his defencive position. He opens his mouth ever so slightly, and then closes it.

Louise breaks out of her state of shock, and walks over to hug Dan. Her arms envelope him in warmth and communicate amiability and care.

Dan is one of the tallest people Louise knows, but he looks so small right now, as if he was caught in one of his most vulnerable moments.

And that's what Dan is feeling, too. He's so used to putting on this mask of certainty, of unambiguity, that he feels like the truth—the fact that he's _questioning_ —is a dirty confession. He won't admit that there are little things that plague him at night. He doesn't like to talk about what he's thinking about as he paces and paces in the early hours of the morning.

Louise finally releases him and grabs Dan's hand. He swallows as she leads him out of the bathroom. She's saying something, but his mind is buzzing too much to pay attention—he's going haywire. He's breaking down.

Dan feels contaminated, as if putting on the makeup was a dirty, shameful crime that had evidence that needed to be destroyed. He rubs at his eyes and lips and cheeks and sees colors smudged on his hands, but there's still color caked on his face—

"DAN," Louise says loudly. Dan freezes and looks over and sees that she is crying too. Apologies crowd his mouth and spill out waves of "I'm sorry" as he gingerly wipes the tears off her face.

"Don't take off the makeup, it looked so pretty," Louise hiccups.

Dan shook his head in confusion. "What? No, it was disgusting, I shouldn't have done that."

"What are you talking about?" Louise, realizing that Dan is in much more of a state than she is, faces him and sobers up. "There's nothing wrong with experimenting with presentation! I just want to know why you're so sad! You were crying when I came in!"

"Oh." Dan is pretty numb at the moment and can't recall that much. "Was I? Why am I so emotional?"

"Maybe because you're going through some pretty serious shit!" Louise cries.

"It's not that serious, I'm just… questioning…"

Louise pauses.

She takes the current scenario and places it in front of her. Then she gathers several other scenarios.

{ "I don't know, I just don't really feel like a man," Dan shrugged. }

{ Dan slid his fingers across the satin fabric, marveling at its texture. "I want to wear this," he said, somewhat jokingly. }

{ "What do you think my name would be if I was a girl?" Dan wondered.  
"Kira," Phil volunteered.  
Dan leaned over to his screen. "Are you watching Death Note?"  
Phil laughed and nodded.  
"Humph," Dan said. But he seemed to be mulling over the name nonetheless. }

Dan is looking at her with doe eyes, unsure.

"Dan, are you… are you trans?" Louise asks gently.

Dan mumbles something to the floor.

"What was that?" Louise places her hand on his shoulder and Dan looks back up at her.

"It's much too early in the morning for this," he mutters and shrugs off her hand.

"DAN!" Louise says, more forcefully this time.

"It's Tuesday, right? Phil is coming back this evening."

"Have you told him?"

Dan shrugs.

"Oh, Dan… you haven't told anyone? You're just questioning your gender on your own? You know, people go to therapy for less serious things than this!"

Dan sighs. "Okay, okay… I'm…"

Louise leans in intently.

"Genderqueer," Dan finishes quietly. He fiddles with his fingers. Louise exhales.

"Why didn't you tell us?"

Dan shrugs. "I don't want to fuck up in front of my fans."

"You call questioning your gender fucking up?"

"No! I just… let's talk in the morning, I'm so tired."

Louise strokes his arm. "Okay, fine. I'll sleep on the couch."

"Why exactly are you here again?"

"Remember Harry, and the party?"

"Right." Dan swallows.

He brings himself to his feet. His legs feel like water. Stumbling slightly through the flat, he collapses on his bed and stays awake for hours before his eyelids finally shut.

~

The silence between Dan and Louise in the morning is palpable. It envelopes them maliciously, creating an electric tension in the air. Louise has insisted on staying until Phil comes home and helping Dan come out to him.

The humiliation of last night is still burdening Dan's shoulders. The world seems a bit more faded today, as if his fear has seeped the color out of the air.

A black flower of dread is unfurling in his stomach. It's not that Dan thinks that Phil is transphobic—it's just that he's scared of what the atmosphere will be. Dan doesn't like change. And everything is about to change.

~

When Phil comes home, he immediately notices the change. He's just like that. He can tell when something is off. He smiles tentatively at Dan and Dan returns it nervously, feeling trapped.

Before Phil can ask what's wrong, Louise is on it. "Dan has something to tell you," she blurts out. Dan wants to sink into the kitchen floor and become one with the tiles.

Phil's soft gaze turns to Dan. "What's wrong, Bear?" he says, sounding worried. His eyebrows are arched, eyes wide. Dan knows this face. It's fear, with several drops of concern and maybe a sprinkle of guilt.

Dan looks down at his feet. He leans back against the kitchen counter. Louise is looking at him expectantly.

"I'm genderqueer," he says finally. He raises his eyes for a moment before quickly looking down.

"Oh, is that it?" Phil says softly. "I was wondering."

Dan looks up at him, confused. Phil's expression is gentle and kind.

Phil is too good for this world, dammit.

"What do you mean?" Dan asks.

"Well," says Phil, "in your Internet Support group you said that being male isn't really your thing. And you bought a skirt."

"You saw that?!" Dan says. He sighs, but the sound of his frustrations is lost to Phil, who's smiling.

Dan is pleasantly surprised by this outcome, to say the least.

"It must be hard to do this. But I'll support you, Dan, I promise. Nothing will change. Do you have new pronouns?"

Dan shrugs. He's okay with "he," likes it soft strength and the elegance of "him," but he also likes "she"'s gentle feminity and its smooth accompaniment, "her."

"They" is probably the best, though. It's gentle and vague, and not what Dan is used to but he likes it anyway.

"Any but i'd prefer they," Dan says.

Phil nods.

"I'll take you shopping," Louise adds. "I know exactly what would look good on you!"

It's just then that Dan starts crying, overwhelmed by support, of all things. How pathetic, they think, but Phil is there in an instant, wrapping Dan in warmth. He pats their back.

Dan raises their head to look at him and giggles a bit. Phil grins and kisses their cheek. Louise is crying, too, because she's a damn sap and always loses it when Dan and Phil show affection.

~

By the end of the week, Dan has a new wardrobe and a full makeup supply. They don't straighten their hair because their curls make them feel more feminine, which is nice.

They haven't been on the Internet for a while and their fans are probably getting impatient.

Dan is happy, though. They're back to themselves: making stupid jokes and watching anime, but there's a new Dan now that twirls in their dresses and thinks that a Fall Out Boy shirt and a skirt is a good combination.

Dan has a new sense of freedom.

Meanwhile, Phil decides that it's a good time as any to come out as pansexual online in a video. He gains a lot of subscribers for that, but it comes as a price, because now there are endless questions about whether Phan is real. He even manages to get "#PanPhilParty" trending on Twitter.

Dan spends some time speculating the best way to come out. They decide that the best, simplest way is to change their social media descriptions from "internet cult leader," etc. to simply "they/them." This generates a confusing storm, which Dan enjoys watching. They also change their icon to a selfie with their makeup on, and their default Tumblr background to the genderqueer flag. They're all very subtle changes, but enough to get the fans' attention, and "#TransDanParty" is trending now.

What makes Dan happiest is the fans that say that they were inspired by Dan and Phil's individual coming-outs. Even fucking Gerard Way tweeted, "Nice to see some fellow genderqueer peeps. Looks like someone'll have to update the NB celebrities website."

Dan broke their silence that day, posting a short message on their Tumblr.

"Surprise, I'm genderqueer," they wrote. "It's been a pretty big journey for me and @AmazingPhil. Thanks for all the support. I'm happy to see that I've inspired some of you. I feel much better and freer after coming out. xo, Dan."

Phil is slowly getting used to Dan's new appearance and pronouns. He is still the same around Dan, of course, but Dan sees him practicing saying things like "This is Dan, they're my flatmate" and "They're working on a video."

Dan is much happier with their newfound freedom, and they find themselves up and about a lot more. It is as if a heavy weight had been lifted off their shoulders.

The support they have been getting is undeniably wonderful.

After all, what do they always say? "Self esteem is freedom." And Dan can definitely understand that.

**Author's Note:**

> every time you comment, dan posts a photo of themself in a skirt


End file.
